To My Son

Displayed on our refrigerator door, front and center, is a tiny square bit of paper. For over a year and a half, it has sat there alone, aside from the magnet holding it.

It reads "Every heartbeat creates a miracle."

I was clinging to hope when I found these words dangling from a rooibos chai teabag in the spring of 2008. Time and again, I had prayed and hoped and willed my little ones to stay and grow and thrive, only to learn that such heartbeats couldn't be found. But on this particular day, a warm cup of tea in my hand, there was life. Against all odds, despite the obvious signs of impending doom, there was a vibrant and energetically beating heart. A miracle. You.

The months passed as we held our breath and we arrived on the doorstep of winter. The small paper from the teabag reminded us still to stay in the moment. Only someone with great will and determination could have come this far. With the changing of the seasons, and the anticipatory joy of Christmas, you came sliding into our arms, full and healthy and beautiful. We named you, aptly, Willem.

And every second, every heartbeat, in the past 365 days has been a gift beyond any we could have ever imagined. Your spirit is one of pure joy, laughter, and love. Now I am remembering each moment of this day when you joined us earthside a year ago, reflecting on the strength I thought my body lacked and the will and gentle spirit of my son. The presence of your warm body curled in my arms, your contented sigh at my breast - these are moments of bliss, wonder, peace. To have been chosen to mother your sweet soul, humbles me with gratitude. Every beat is a miracle.